I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
why no one uses midhusbands
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer