“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
You Might Also Like
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left