waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
That’s classic.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I’d hang this in my house.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.