my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Matt Goss
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.