I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
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As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Kids: Stay in school.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt