any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Hello, my name is Pierre.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.