5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home