My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
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[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.