“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.