CRYING
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I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk