My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!