Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
You Might Also Like
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
That time Alicia messaged me
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
We need more people like this.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO