parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
The Others (2001)
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume