if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.