I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
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thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
They did not miss in the small print
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”