If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
#SCOTUS one-star review
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.