Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
You Might Also Like
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
my favorite genre of twitter
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please