I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store