Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
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Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!