“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.