[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.