I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.