a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
A friend helps you before you need it
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.