May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Meanwhile in Canada…
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*