saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
they split up moments later
Saw online –
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I hate my earbuds.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.