legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
This why you should mind your business
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?