The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
You Might Also Like
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
went fishing caught a bass
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave