I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.