Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
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me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
That eye roll….
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.