[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
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When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My patience has stretch marks.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.