Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.