I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
The “baby” on the left….
I can’t stop laughing at this
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
.. do you even science?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why