Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Oh hi lol
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.