I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
You Might Also Like
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
best first i’ve ever seen
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life