When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
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Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no