me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
my first dose meeting my second
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN