The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings: