That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about