Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
You Might Also Like
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
it was a valiant fight
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”