“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”