Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?