Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.