OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
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[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.