replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?