DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
craving $300 all of a sudden
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.