You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
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TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.