Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
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ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
She: I like Cats
He:
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.