“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”