DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
You Might Also Like
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
💁🏻♂️
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Super Hand Dog Face
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.