“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn